


i found a holy dimness

by ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes



Series: as though he could harness the sun [1]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Is Not Religious, Dead TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Prayer, Religious Content, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, church prime but make it an actual religion, religious zealot tommyinnit, wilbur soot gets called a heretic so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29825838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes/pseuds/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes
Summary: Before his duel with Dream, Tommy prayed. Tubbo found him kneeling on the path, hands crossed over his chest and resting on his shoulders, whispering to Prime, praying to win.Tubbo sat down next to him. He always wondered how Tommy still had the energy to speak, still had that kind of stamina left inside, after losing a life not a day earlier. It took Tubbo days to stop feeling like his bones were made of rot. "Lady, master of my soul," Tommy whispered, "I kneel at your feet and ask for protection from evil. Save my spirit, if not my life, so I may continue to serve you after I am gone from this Earth, forever after."-They'll bury Tommy in the back of the Holy Land and, somehow, it will have to be enough.
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Technoblade, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: as though he could harness the sun [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194149
Comments: 63
Kudos: 274
Collections: Fics Alice Sent Me





	i found a holy dimness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sapphicist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicist/gifts).



> dont touch me im so sad guys  
> gifted to saph because they screamed with me about religious tommy and motivated me to make most of this. thanks bestie :)
> 
> the title is from the last meeting by siegfried sassoon.

They'll bury Tommy in the back of the Holy Land.

Here's the part that people want to and are always unable to ignore about Tommy: he was pious. Tommy wasn't a man of the cloth, far from it, Tubbo doesn't think Tommy knew a day of hunger before the first war. But he was devout.

He spent so much time praying. He spent so much of his time in Church. Tommy named every path and monument in honour of Her, in honour of his goddess, because he wanted Her to know how much he loved Her. Tubbo has never believed in any of it, if he's really, brutally honest with himself. He didn't grow with it, wasn't built from the ground up by divinity like Tommy was.

Before his duel with Dream, Tommy prayed. Tubbo found him kneeling on the path, hands crossed over his chest and resting on his shoulders, whispering to Prime, praying to win.

Tubbo sat down next to him. He always wondered how Tommy still had the energy to speak, still had that kind of stamina left inside, after losing a life not a day earlier. It took Tubbo days to stop feeling like his bones were made of rot. "Lady, master of my soul," Tommy whispered, "I kneel at your feet and ask for protection from evil. Save my spirit, if not my life, so I may continue to serve you after I am gone from this Earth, forever after."

It's a typical prayer for protection. But Tommy's hushed tone, that he used for no one else, the way he, for the first time since Tubbo met him, kneeled for someone, felt private. Naked.

One day, a little before the elections, Tommy owed Tubbo a favour. It was something minor, not anything important, so he cashed it in in exchange for getting Tommy to answer every question he had about the Church of Prime.

Tommy had rolled his eyes, called Tubbo a nerd, and reluctantly agreed.

Tubbo learned about prayer. About the hymns, Tommy sang under his breath while he worked.

"What about family? Like, your blood?"

Tommy hadn't looked over at where Tubbo was slumped in the pews, only continuing to clean the stained glass window. Tubbo swore that he was the only one who cared about the upkeep anymore. Tommy had shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. It isn't like- it's not really important, innit? Prime is like... she's got this whole thing, on family and- and how blood ties are immaterial, y'know? It's all about the bonds, and- and Holy brotherhood, right?"

Tubbo had stared at the ceiling. "What's Holy brotherhood?"

"It's like making someone your brother. There's a whole ritual with blood and- and water and shit."

"Have you done it before?"

Tommy's voice had a proud smile to it. "With Wilbur."

"Cool. Can... I know I don't- but..."

"What is it?"

Tubbo kept his gaze fixed on the ceiling. "Nevermind."

"Alright."

He doesn’t know why he didn’t ask. Tommy bonded with Wilbur, and Wilbur worshipped _the sky gods._ They’d been dead for centuries. Believing in them was practically heretical. But he didn’t. He should’ve. Fuck, he should’ve. And now he can’t.

They'll bury Tommy in the back of the Holy Land because that's what he would have wanted. This is _his_ haunt, _his_ goddess. And if they don't have a body, which they might not, Tubbo will dig a grave anyway (Maybe lay down in it, that would be nice. Just to rest his eyes, until he feels like waking up again).

Tubbo gets on his knees in front of the altar. He doesn't know how to do prayer right. There's something with water, he's certain, but he doesn't know this as Tommy did. It isn't part of him.

He leans forward until his head rests on his knees. "I gotta be honest. I don't know how this works. I don't even know if I believe in you. I think I used to. But I don't know if I want to believe in a goddess that lets these things happen. That lets good people die like this." Tubbo swallows, hard, sucking in a deep breath. He didn't leave his armour and weapons at the door just to be blasphemous now.

He lifts his head up, peering at the sunlight streaming through the purple and orange glass windows. Tubbo crosses his arms over his chest, one hand on each shoulder. "But this isn't about me. You may not be my goddess, but you _were_ his."

He closes his eyes. Thinks about how Tommy prayed over Wilbur's grave and tries, clumsily, to remember the words. "My goddess, my Lady, protect the soul of my brother. Deliver him softly. Lady…” Tubbo trips over his tongue, over the memory, trying to remember what comes next. What comes next? A boy walks into a world he doesn’t belong to and asks for his friend to be cleansed. What comes next? What’s the punchline?

After Doomsday, Tommy took him to Church and asked him if he thought he was tainted.

"What? Why would you say that?"

"In Exile I- I- I did something. And I don't know..." Tommy trailed off, swallowing hard.

"You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready."

"No, it's- it's fine, I need your opinion. I- when I was in Exile, he- I made a monument, to Her." Tommy was so tense, Tubbo thought he might snap. He had thought about putting a hand on his shoulder, but he didn’t think it would have been welcome.

"Like what you did in Pogtopia?"

"Not as good. Only had a log. But I knew She could forgive me for it cause- cause I didn't have much.” That’s when Tommy had started to cry. “But- he made me- he made me destroy it, Tubbo. And- and- and he made me- made me _renounce_ her, and I didn't wanna, but I-"

Dream and Tommy built the Church together, a long, long time ago. They swore Holy brotherhood afterwards; cutting their thumbs and clasping hands in a rare moment of peace.

Tubbo has never gotten the importance of it all, has never understood the way that Tommy and Dream could just _believe_ as they did, but he knows what brotherhood meant to Tommy. It meant that he stayed with Wilbur through everything, that he could curse the man till his breath ran out but he’d still spend hours praying for his soul.

And Tubbo was so _angry_ at Dream. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been angry, but he hated Dream then, hated him with every atom in his body. How dare he make Tommy believe something that horrid?

"I'm- I'm so sorry, Tommy, fuck-"

"Language. Don’t swear in Church.”

"-That's not your fault, at all. You didn't want to. She- surely She understands. You were forced. Just like She'd understand the log shrine."

"I just- I should've been stronger, y'know? If the old Blessed Ones can- can die in Her name, surely I could take- take a little pain. I should have stood up for Her."

"That's not your job, Tommy."

"I'm Her servant." Tommy’s voice was so broken, so ashamed- as if this was anything to be ashamed of. Tubbo felt so sick.

"She'd want you well, surely?"

"... She would. I don't deserve it, but She would." Tommy’s voice had ended off hopeful, just a little. But he sounded wrecked.

He died so far from Her. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t _fucking_ fair.

Tubbo tastes the tears before he feels them. What comes next? “Lady,” he gasps, “Lady of Divinity, Lady of All That I am. Please. I can’t remember what comes next, but please. He loved you. He- he loved you so much. Prime, please, please save his soul. Please-”

The door creaks open.

“I didn’t know you were religious.”

Tubbo doesn’t turn his head to look at Techno. “I’m not. I just- I-”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing here?”

There’s a long silence where Tubbo stays hunched over and the floor doesn’t creak. Then, Techno murmurs something, just barely loud enough for Tubbo to hear. “I don’t know.”

The floor is starting to hurt his knees. “Can you take off your armour, at least?” Tubbo can’t keep the snap out of his voice. He doesn’t think he can be blamed. The least that Techno can do is be a little respectful.

“Why?”

“What do you mean _why?_ It’s a Holy space. Take off your armour.”

If Tubbo’s honest, he doesn’t expect Technoblade to comply. But after another moment of silence comes the clanking of armour settling onto a wooden stand, and an axe clattering to the ground.

“I thought you didn’t believe in this stuff,” Techno asks, “why are you here then?”

Tubbo opens his eyes, arms falling off his chest and brushing the floor. The bottom of the altar is already collecting dust. “I… Tommy did it for Wilbur. It’s- it’s something about a send-off. Vouching for his soul.” He’s ashamed of the way his voice breaks. But how much can it really change Techno’s perception of him? Techno’s seen him in one of his lowest moments; Techno caused it.

Techno's voice comes in, awkward and stumbling. "You're praying for him?"

"I _was_. Before you interrupted.”

Tubbo can hear the way the floors creak under Techno's feet. No one to polish the marble anymore, no one to care. Their muddy footprints will linger, who knows how long?

"I- I don't... how do you-?" Techno huffs. "How do I pray?"

The knot in Tubbo's chest is tugged tight. He feels like crying again, but he won't, not here. He looks down at his hands, resting open-palmed on his lap. "Kneel beside me."

Techno freezes. There's a long, hesitant minute where nothing happens when suddenly the floor creaks again, and a much larger body gets on its knees in front of an altar to a goddess that neither of them believes in. "Now?"

"Fold your hands over your chest." Tubbo does it as he instructs Techno. He thinks, for a second, that he is defenceless now. Techno could send a sword through his neck now, could pin him down using the easy trap his wrists have created. But Techno just lifts his own arms up, crossing them over his chest, snout twitching. "Close your eyes." Tubbo peaks his open to make sure Techno has obeyed, and he has.

Tubbo takes in a deep breath. "Now, repeat after me: My goddess, my lady-"

_"My goddess, my lady-"_

"-protect the soul of my brother. Deliver him softly."

_"-protect the soul of my brother. Deliver him softly."_

  


**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Incredible art by GeorgesSpotify on Twitter! Go check them out!
> 
> i'll try to reply to all comments :)
> 
> also, i post every Sunday on top of these occasional midweek posts. so maybe consider subscribing, if you'd like.


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